Top 5 Reasons I *SHOULD* Hate Halloween…but Don’t

I’m going to say something absolutely no one will agree with…but I hate the idea of Halloween.

*cowers behind a pitchfork*

Let me explain. I didn’t say I hate Halloween itself, just the idea of it. It’s one of those pseudo-holidays that seems pointless to me. For some reason, I just don’t gel with it. Yet every time I am coerced into the festivities - costumes, candy, coitus (I wish!), et al. - I end up having a ball. So, why am I torn every year it comes around?

Allow me to shed some blacklight: Here are…

The Top 5 Reasons I Should Hate Halloween…but Don’t.

Number #5: The Yearly Slutpocalypse

I can’t claim ownership of that term; it was actually coined - more popularly - by Philip DeFranco. Basically, it’s a reference to the exemption that all women give themselves to skank it up in the most revealing costumes ever. It’s objectionable, demeaning, reverse-misogynistic , pre-feminist, and…

Gods, I love it.

Some of the costumes that come out of the Slutpocalypse do give me pause, though. I mean, I’ve seen outfits of a Sexy Tigger. I should never, ever have sexual fantasies about friggin’ Tigger. But, damn if it ain’t awesome to behold.

Yes, I am a dirty old man.

Number #4: Finding a Costume

One of the worst plights suffered by an average-looking white man is that I look like…an average-looking white man. I am mal-proportioned to suit any sort of cosplay role. Nothing works on me. As a result, every year I’m torn over what to be and - worse - how to afford it.

Most years, I recycle bits and pieces of old costumes. This year, like many years prior, I re-used a kilt that was sewn for me by a friend of mine. The permutation: A Scottish pimp. Complete with “stable” of sheep.

Where are you going?

Number #3: Picking a Party

Everyone and their mother’s kitchen sink throws a party (or the weekend nearest to) Halloween. And - at least, initially - I want no part of any of ‘em. Reason being, I’m an indecisive bugger. If more than one party is being thrown, I’m always worried about offending the hosts by attending another one instead. One year, to avoid that problem, I went to five parties in one night to cover all my bases. That was exhausting.

I know what some of you uninvited readers might be thinking, “At least you had parties to go to?”

My response would be, “Trade ya?”

I don’t like being conflicted. My gut reaction in that sort of dilemma is to opt out completely and stay home watching horror movies. But if/when I am pulled from my hermitic Hobbit-hole to attend something, I usually have a good time. Damn it.

Number #2: Pumpkin-Flavored Everything

Maybe it’s just a Fall thing, but between September and November, the market is inundated with every possible variant of “pumpkin”. Bread, desserts, candies, you name it. With the exception of pumpkin pie, what people don’t realize is…pumpkin is not an agreeable flavor. At all. C’mon, back me up here. Am I the only one?

Okay, there is one statistical outlier - beer. I have no clue why, but pumpkin beer tastes delicious. Hell, I had one in early September that actually floored me (and not in a drunk way). That is the one pumpkin pass I’ll give for the season.

Number #1: Candycorn

What can I say about this delectable triangular piece of awesome. It’s absolutely horrible for me. The health benefits are nonexistent. I might as well be eating wax. Actually, I think they are made of wax. And every damn year, I can’t resist their inevitable pull.

I can’t fully describe their flavor other than “orange”-tasting ambrosia. Not the orange fruit, the color. The worst part is, once I start eating them…I can’t stop. No impulse control exists when in the company of candycorn. The zombie apocalypse will begin with candycorn - I’m convinced.

And that’s my list. For those of you who are all dressed up and ready to go, have a ball. And to those sitting this one out, there’s always candycorn.

Happy Pumpkin-Flavored-Everything Day.

Tags: candy, candycorn, corn, cosplay, Hallow's Eve, Halloween, Jack-o-Latern, kilt, parties, party, pumkin, pumpkin-flavored everything, recycling, Scottish, slutty costumes, Tigger, Winnie the Pooh

4 Comments to Top 5 Reasons I *SHOULD* Hate Halloween…but Don’t

1. We don’t really have it here. Only in the minds of the supermarkets. We had one bunch of trick or treaters here last night. That’s a bot the statistical average.
The Devotea on October 31st, 2012

2. At first, I was confused when you said they arrived “last night”…then I had to remember that you’re a day ahead of me. Yeesh, I’m sheltered.
Geoffrey F. Norman on October 31st, 2012

3. I love candy corn, get some for me!
Margo Hutchinson on October 31st, 2012

4. I didn’t pick up any this year. I think I will rectify that now.
Geoffrey F. Norman on October 31st, 2012

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