Horny Heater Hobbits

A Tuesday night. Location: The hotel. Again.

I hoped it would be better than the night prior. Whether it was a full moon, or if every Red Eye flight douche-licker wanted to descend upon me collectively, I was in no mood for weirdness. To say I was at my wit’s end would be an understatement. I was witless.

Then they came.

She seemed like a normal woman in her mid-forties. Well, as normal as Desperate Housewives had educated me. Strung-out bleach-blond hair, out-of-date prescription glasses, a twitchy brow, and a hunched-over posture indicating a steady diet of antidepressants and Advil. That was my guess anyway…having observed a similar posture in the mirror back in college.

Like many who’ve passed through the lobby doors at “magic hour”, she grumbled at the walking distance between the front desk and her room, wondered when breakfast would be, shrugged, then left. In most cases, that’s the last I hear of such folks. Those are the kind I get; burnt out husks of life living from paycheck to paycheck in constant airline migration. Such a living must take a toll on their nerves. Lord knows it does mine, um, from a third-person standpoint.

Ten minutes later, I got a call.

Husk housewife was on the other end, “My bathroom door is locked!”

I responded nonchalantly, “I do apologize, but maintenance has gone home for the day. I can transfer you to another room if you’d like.”

She rambled on about the possibility of someone jumping out from the locked bathroom and raping her, then asked if she had to come back to the desk to fetch the new keycards. I informed her that I was the only one on duty and could not leave the gatehouse area unless it was an emergency. In a further frantic tone, she indicated it was an emergency to her. To her room, I went.

Once I arrived to her room, I went in to check the bathroom myself. The door was wide open.

“Not that one,” she said and pointed at the closet next to the bathroom. “That one.”

My shoulders slumped, “Ma’am, that’s the water heater.”

“I just have this fear someone might jump out. It happened to a friend of mine, ” she explained.

I tried my best to explain that the door was locked from the outside and only maintenance had access to it. That and no normal sized human being could fit in the closet with a full-sized water heater. Unless the culprit were a Hobbit, she was perfectly safe.

“I’ll still take the other room,” she said.

“Fair enough, “I replied.

Escorting her to her new room, three buildings down, she relayed how she was generally a fearful person. I empathized. As soon as she was situated, she apologized for the trouble and tipped me five bucks. Couldn’t complain there.

However, I returned to the gatehouse to four very impatient people - two Hindi girls in need of curry sauce (no joke), a dumbshit who locked himself out, and another middle-aged woman waiting to be checked in. We’ll call her Housebitch #2.

Dealing with the first three was easy enough, but the new woman was another matter entirely.

“What took you so long?” she asked, lips thin.

“I’m sorry, I had to transfer a guest to a new room personally, ” I said. “She thought someone would jump out of the water heater and attack her.”

I laughed a little…but she wasn’t amused.

“You’re not going to give me that room, are you?”

“Uh…no?” I returned

“Good,” Housebitch #2 said, grabbing her keys.

I thought that was the end of it.

Wrong.

Five minutes later, I got a call from Housebitch #2, “There’s a locked door by the bathroom!”

I took a deep breath.

“That’s your water heater.” I couldn’t even hide my sigh.

“Oh,” she said.

Housebitch #2 hung up.

I sat down, kicked my feet back, nursed my tea…

And honestly hoped there was a teleporting Horny Heater Hobbit out there to prove me wrong.

Tags: heater, hobbits, horny, Hotel

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